Right now, I just feel like curling up, and dying. Surprisingly, this is an improvement. I don't feel like bingeing and purging. Thank you, 5 HTP. I'm still incredibly depressed, but at least my depression won't lead to weight gain.

The more that I think about life, the more that I hate it.

If I start being happy again, he'll love me again. If I keep on being sad, he won't. The only unconditional love is from your mom.

Barbie Doll by Marge Piercy

This girlchild was born as usual
and presented dolls that did pee-pee
and miniature GE stoves and irons
and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy.
Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said:
You have a great big nose and fat legs.

She was healthy, tested intelligent,
possessed strong arms and back,
abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity.
She went to and fro apologizing.
Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs.

She was advised to play coy,
exhorted to come on hearty,
exercise, diet, smile and wheedle.
Her good nature wore out
like a fan belt.
So she cut off her nose and her legs
and offered them up.

In the casket displayed on satin she lay
with the undertaker's cosmetics painted on,
a turned-up putty nose,
dressed in a pink and white nightie.
Doesn't she look pretty? everyone said.
Consummation at last.
To every woman a happy ending.

I cannot deal with this bullshit any longer. I want to delete life. This isn't a suicide post, so don't be alarmed. I'm just sick of suffering so that others can be happy.